Europeans: No to Pie

Now that the election season is finally over (okay, well, not in MN), it is time to look forward to future candidates. With the recent murmurs of a pie run for President, I though I'd talk a bit about European views on pie. Europeans prefer desserts that can take the heat, and though pie shows promise its distasteful actions leave Europeans hungry for something else.

First, most Europeans consider pie too inexperienced to lead. Do you know how old most desserts are? Modern pudding, for example, is a highly refined beast. Pudding started as a custard in Roman times, experimented with sausage meat in the 17th and 18th century century, replaced its easily-spoiled egg components with modern chemicals during the great push west, and finally became the sweet dish we know today just as pie came onto the scene. Chocolate, too, has also undergone a defining journey. As a drink chocolate was too wishy-washy on issues, and has now solidified its stance against quaffing as a primary means of consumption. Looking at these histories, Europeans ask themselves, "Where is pie's history? How do we know that it isn't just the crust that is flaky"?

Thsee long histories have also given these recipes a chance to work across boundaries. The international crisis in Iceland gave British pie a chance to rise on the international scene. What do pie do? Pie used terrorism laws to keep Icelandic food in the British Isles! Pie's clumsy maneuvers have allowed blini to further its questionable motives. Europeans know that chocolate would never take such a stance; Nordic milk helps create some of the finest chocolate.

Blini has already shown up on the cover of an Icelandic recipe book. Or is that a dinosaur in the right photo? I can't really tell, I need glasses.

Finally, Europeans fear pie's strong ties to the dark, corporate side of America. Pie and corn starch's on-going attempts at alignment show that pie isn't the grass roots hero it claims to be. Furthermore, pie's relationships with cloying sugar and cream cause grave concern in the European community. Europeans often look at an American pie and exclaim, "Is there any healthy ingredient in that abomination? Why does pie drown out the fruit with sugar? No wonder Americans are so fat".

While pie faces strong opposition overseas, I don't think this will affect American opinion in the next election. With over a billion dollars spent in the last campaign, pie's ability to raise funds could lead to a decisive advantage. At least with the kitchen demographic.